| Hey Mike, Whatcha doing? |
[Jun. 16th, 2009|02:18 am] |
I'm drinking Mountain Dew at 2:20 AM after I got back from hanging out with the girl I like... and her two males friends who always seem to be around her, prventing me from ever having a fucking real conversation with her to figure out if I should give the fuck up or not. Really, this shit is tired.
See, her male friends are always around her, I can't ever get her alone. She also may be fucking one of them, if she is interested in me... would she be doing that? I don't think so.. but maybe? Fuck if I get girls.
Then there is the fact she knows I like her.
Then she gets very close with me for hours at a party and we go off and talk for a bit, just the two of us.
Then the next day always around friends, can't ever get her alone.
Seriously, what the fuck, why can't she or any of them just say what they think? |
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| I know why I am here |
[May. 15th, 2009|09:36 pm] |
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I exist to be my mother's verbal punching bag. Which I am terrible at as I tell her to go fuck herself. |
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| Work |
[May. 15th, 2009|01:06 am] |
I kind of enjoy my job, I like Lucas (my boss) the pay is good , it's just hard to plan around.
I still would love to get back in a chair and be office type, but I despise ties.
Really, one day I will make the world realize that suits and ties just mean that someone is trying to make you think they are smart. Real smart people are out of touch on style.
Never trust a suit or a sweater-vest.
My other profound insight is due to RPGs.
I call it the BCE.
In RPGs, the larger a characters chest is, the better she is at melee. Observe Final Fantasy games, where with exception to FFX the larger the boobs, the better the melee damage was.
Sacred 2 has it in spades as well.
For male characters, observe the size of their shoulder pads to see their combat prowess.
It's all kind of silly. |
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| Things keep happening!!! |
[May. 11th, 2009|08:51 pm] |
| [ | Status |
| |  stressed | ] |
So my plans for tomorrow got canceled due to work.
I made plans to hang out a while ago, but today my boss said that I was working from 3pm until... 8 or so. Agh!
Wednesday? He isn't sure
Thursday? Who knows!?
Friday? He isn't sure either.
I am starting to get stressed out by my complete inability to make any plans at all during the week. As sometimes, I also don't have work, but don't know until the day of.
I also just got an email telling me I need to start paying my student loan.
I need to pay off my credit card.
Unemployment money has yet to reach me.
My car needs repairs.
I need a drink. |
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| Agh |
[Mar. 26th, 2009|03:27 am] |
The slight sense that things are not going my way keeps getting worse. It's like there is a ball of stress in my head, and it keeps getting bigger and bigger every day, just a teeny tiny little bit. But my head is only so large, and soon the stress and worry will cause my head to explode in a grisly manner.
You all better pick up the head bits, I don't want animals to eat them. |
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| FUCK |
[Mar. 8th, 2009|09:40 pm] |
My headphones are broken.
I can't use my speakers ever because my mom goes to sleep around midnight every night and Jeff the dude who smells horrible who rents a room sleeps all day. So I get maybe an hour some nights if I am lucky between the time Jeff wakes up and my mom goes to sleep where I can have audio until I buy new headphones.
I also am slightly worried about my car, and I haven't gotten unemployment funds yet.
I haven't gotten a physical interview or more than a cursory phone interview.
I am becoming even more afraid of things.
I don't know what the fuck is going on with Holly.
Sometimes when I see her, I feel happy and warm, and other times, I just don't care about her, and I don't really know why the fuck she even likes me, since she seems to dislike everything that is geeky in my life. What am I fucking doing? |
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| I got a bad feeling |
[Mar. 3rd, 2009|02:15 am] |
No job, not doing great in school, not sure where the rest of my life is going.
I got a sense that it won't work out for me.
This sucks. |
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| Question: What Am I Doing? |
[Jan. 28th, 2009|05:38 pm] |
Answer: I am not sure.
This post isn't for attention, I am just trying to figure out myself and decided writing would be the best way at the moment.
There is an awesome girl who really likes me, I am not sure how I really feel about her yet, I should like her quite a bit, but... I am afraid to.
I skipped my French class again. I haven't been there in at least a week I think. I am afraid of showing up now, as I am behind, I will feel horrible in there. I hate the group structure, I hate being called on, the whole feeling of the class is that I don't get it and I get looked down on. I don't want to go for it.
I also skipped Theater class, even though I enjoy it, even with the urge to slap half the kids in there who won't shut the fuck up ever. I didn't go today because the drive is long, and the classes are short. I didn't do anything today really. I kinda hate myself over it. |
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| Fucking Faculty |
[Jan. 9th, 2009|11:16 am] |
I found out 2 things so far today.
1: I need to take Math 012 again because my grade is not good enough for Math 121
2: In fact, I don't need Math 121 but Math 141
The man who told me this was a condescending fucker who said I fail at things and don't know anything. I wanted to tear his throat out with my teeth. |
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| because I can |
[Jan. 8th, 2009|08:55 pm] |
Well, the main blog I am writing, I just have not been updating it enough for my own tastes. I seem to be able to come up with a list of things that I can feel proud of posting for anyone to see. I felt I was off to a good start of categorizing the world into a series of lists, but my lists are getting worse. I keep having the urge to elaborate and tell massive fucking stories, go off on tangents about life, the universe and why giant robots are so fucking badass.
If I have to go back and review 2008, it was a pretty good year, I joined a new school, made friends, became more social, learned about myself and I think I have gotten rid of some of that horrible lurking anger I have. I think I am in a better place now than a year ago, even though my bank account is much smaller than a year ago and my job is getting on my nerves.
But again, I think life is going up even as the economy goes downhill and things continue to be not great with my mom.. maybe I will figure out an escape plan sooner or later. I just have to jump out there and not go running back here.
Well, here is hoping to 2009 being a good year for me as well, take a drink to that my friends. |
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| Pimping My Shit |
[Dec. 22nd, 2008|02:14 am] |
I have a blog going now. It's sort of a low-high concent thing. I talk about whatever the shit is on my mind, but what makes it awesome.. It's all done in lists. I have an update nearly every day. Subscribe to that shit!
YEAR IN LISTS
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| So... what have you been up to? |
[Oct. 13th, 2008|08:34 pm] |
| [ | Status |
| |  amused | ] |
Well, this semester has been going fairly good so far. of course, I despise my math class and the said teacher of class. Nothing new there.
The lit class is awesome and the political science class is good too.
This most recent weekend I also began to make friends at school, which is impressive for me. So yeah. Things are getting better all the time. Except when they are not. |
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| I need to move out |
[Aug. 7th, 2008|07:02 pm] |
I need to move out I need to move out I need to move out I need to move out I need to move out I need to move out I need to move out
I can't fucking take my mom anymore, I can't deal with life anymore, I can't even figure out how to pick classes for the fall semester. I am going to fail, I am going to be in debt, I have a job I hate, I never seem to do anything or go anywhere. I need to escape. |
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| From I to me |
[Jul. 23rd, 2008|12:50 am] |
Dear self,
Quit getting your hopes up regarding any girls. It will save you time and anxiety, as wanting any of them as more than a friend will just lead to wanting to kick yourself. Take the advice from me, I know how you feel. |
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| Another Saturday |
[Feb. 24th, 2008|12:28 am] |
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Here it is, another Saturday gone, and I did nothing with it. |
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| That was so hard |
[Feb. 13th, 2008|10:52 pm] |
I broke up with Erica on the phone just now.
I just couldn't keep up with all the fighting and the drama we do. The distance has been getting to me, and it wasn't what I wanted. I wanted fun, smiles, cuteness, cuddling, sex, compaionship. I got all those things, but I also got drama, and arguments and so much stress. Things were just so much more serious than I wanted. Nothing was lighthearted with us any more. We had flashes of happiness on the phone in the last couple of weeks, but it always faltered out to the arguments we would have.
I regret doing that, breaking up with her like that, so soon, but I can't... just undo it. I knew it was not going to last forever, nothing does. We are both young, headstrong, and quick to anger. The fact we lasted almost half a year deserves a gold fucking star.
The fact she could put up with my shit this long is impressive. I have never met anyone quite like her, and I don't know if I will again. I will not forget Erica, ever. I don't know if I will even see her again, I don't know if she would want to see me again.
Would she take me back in the future?
Am I going to regret giving her up for the rest of my life?
I am fucking afraid now, just minutes afterwards that I have made a mistake, but I said the words, I felt it was the best thing for me, and maybe her as well. Maybe it wasn't.
I really think it was, this was the right thing to do.
I hope she can return my birthday present to the store.
What kind of fucked up shit am I thinking now. I am going to miss the feeling.
I am no longer loved, I am back to being Mike, the guy with friends, but not with a place in anyones heart.
But this would have happened anyways.
No relationship can stand the test of time. Maybe I was smart to end it.
Happiness just isn't my style.
I just feel so bad for Erica now, to have this done to her. I broke her heart after promising not to. I said I loved her, but I don't anymore. I said I would lay with her forever, but I am never going to again. I hope she can move on with her life.
I don't want to get into exact details of how it broke down, as I know my view is tilted, and I would make her sound like a bigger bitch than she was, and I would make myself sound like some innocent fucking victim of her, which I wasn't. I gave her shit.
It's just I threw in the towel when she would be willing to keep going. I don't know if that made me smarter, or stupider. |
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| 22 down, 58 to go |
[Feb. 11th, 2008|11:16 am] |
I am 22 years old today, so I am going to look back at the past year.
A year ago I was working at Toys R Us, miserable, hating Baker College, poor, single and hating it and losing weight.
Now I am working a better job, happier, enjoying Oakland University, poor, like my girlfriend and gaining weight.
Need to fix the weight thing. But life is looking up for me. |
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| One Step Forewards, Two Steps on Me |
[Jan. 22nd, 2008|10:50 pm] |
In case you didn't know, I had not seen Erica for 2 weeks because she was busy on the weekends.
Things were getting bad, it felt like all I got was hate and biting sarcasm from her, no love.
Finally at around 5pm on Sunday I got to see her. Things got better when we were together, even though all we did was almost ignore each other. I don't get it, do we have nothing to talk about anymore? What am I doing wrong? I don't call enough because whenever I do, I swear she would rather not talk to me, so why do I call?
But I really enjoyed sunday, just being there with her. I don't care what I do with her, as long as we are next to each other, I am happy with her.
Ah, my work/school routine has mostly been adjusted too, I don't hit the books as hard as I should. Damn it.
Monday I hung out with George, after I randomly IMed him about www.zoorace.com which if that is the right link, is the stupidest game ever. See, you play as a horse, who is really a atheiest librian, but you are turned into a horse, forced to race a rhino, a pig in a top hat, and god knows what else. But god does know, as GOD IS THE RACE ANNOUNCER, and he even pauses awkardly. And makes biblical animals race through fire jets and fire out of cannons. It's epic retaded. It also has a dance party, if by dance you mean "spin on the X axis". Anyhow, I digress. We ended up sitting around at his friend... Steph, I think? yeah, we sat around drinking beer and watching shitty movies and trying to listen to screamo.
I got lost in the Science and Engineering building on Campus today, trying to figure out where the test returns are. |
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| Self doubt post take 5! |
[Jan. 9th, 2008|12:10 am] |
Here I am, starting my first week at a new school, and suddenly, well, not suddenly, but even more so than before; I am doubting myself. I used to think I was smarter than others, now I seem to be falling behind, I had to drop my math class, as I can't rememeber how to do my trig. What the hell is wrong with me?
I doubt my ability to program anymore, as I haven't written any code in a while. I need to get photoshop back on here, but my PC runs so slow with the latest version, and I want to learn the latest stuff. I want to be able to run XNA properly and get into the whole idea of creating.
But I just keep finding reasons and excuses to do nothing with my time, and my talents. Now I am not even sure I have talents or skills. I don't even really know what classes I want to take, well, I think I could pick out classes I want to take, but would they lead me to a degree in anything? What do I want to do with my life?
I'd like to come up with ideas and create projects that are small in scale. The idea of banging out a webapp in a month, then touching it up over a year while banging out another app appeals to me.
I think... to get going on that, I want a new PC. Turn this one into a localwebserver so I can test things better, run Photoshop CS3, XNA, .NET and all the other lovely little tools and just become... thinking again. Sometimes I have ideas for things I'd like to do.
Such as a tool for computer geeks to build a PC. Drag and drop, database inquries to find similar PCs in 3dMark and other benchmarks to show how fast the PC is, lowest prices from various vendors, and a visualization of the parts with each other. Even adding some logic so that only the right kind of parts can go together.
It would be fun to have.
Or a RPG minigame for facebook. Something based around monsters with random peoples faces. Or a card game where pictures from your, and your friends albums as the backdrops maybe. Who knows. But I don't even know what I am capable of! |
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| Shit |
[Jan. 4th, 2008|10:51 pm] |
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I am worried about my Erica. She seemed so distant when I talked to her, and then things are going bad for her at home later. I just want to hold her, but I never have the time to go there and do so. |
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